A CONTRARIAN POINT OF VIEW OF RELATIONSHIPS IN THE MEN’S COMMUNITY.
THE VALUE OF INTIMATE (committed monogamous) PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
You have to be in them to understand them. No amount of KJing will substitute for real world experience and application.
Being in a relationship is not like observing one; being in one changes your decision making value process. You literally see and feel things differently when you’re in them as opposed to being an observer of them. While you can study them academically, being in one takes it to a completely different level. Very much like how you can learn and study on how to approach a woman, there is no substitute for field work. Same for relationships.
Acts committed without risk hold little value.
As long as you have a safety net you act without commitment- (being vulnerable and invested to one person or situation). Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning… Only your best effort matters… No one applauds the tenor for clearing his throat. Furthermore, you cannot numb selective senses without imparting similar results to other senses… Shield yourself from vulnerability and you shield yourself from the benefits of intimacy… and those benefits are many. The greatest of which is your own humanity.
The biggest failures of the community
Most men do not go out looking for a girlfriend, but end up with one… worse yet a wife!!! If ultimately this is important to you, shouldn’t you have an understanding of how to achieve the end point (goal) other than serendipity? Most goals are achieved by having the end result in mind. No difference here, even if it’s just to improve the quality and nature of the relationships you do have.
Second most important investment of your life…
The most important investment you’ll ever have is the investments you place on yourself, the second is the relationships you maintain for life, and expressly the choice of a life partner. Your destiny hinges upon those choices…
The mirror to the self
Relationship can be amazing mirrors to the reflections of your own values, needs and abilities. They are snapshots of where you are currently at, what you’re able to develop and achieve and reflective of the values you hold. Life has a way of telling you where you’re at… Listen when life is telling you something… I learned long ago when in the Arizona desert that when you’re quite, the desert will speak. Life will speak too when you actively listen to it.
They will showcase a number elements if evaluated;
Your emotional baggage- we project onto our partners anything unresolved at a deeper level. “You complete me” is an outreach from this notion. How you think and regard yourself, others and the quality of your life. Your relationships will indicate maturity development that may need to be expanded and developed.
Testing grounds-They will showcase your real abilities in action. Knowledge of an issue isn’t enough. Knowledge coupled with appropriate action is. It is also well known that stress and hardship clarify commitment and awareness of those risks. You really learn who you really are during hardships.
Aspirations and dreams- The nature and quality of your relationships will also be a reflection of your life’s ambitions… Just as ‘Steel sharpens steel’ and ‘Like attracts like’ healthy relationships will share similar values, outlooks and ambitions typically of your own. The nature of the relationship as well as whom you chose to have a relationship with will be telling of where your steering your life.
This is where the damage is done!
This can’t be overstated enough. This is where you get hurt. This is where you hurt others. Emotionally. Financially. Culturally. Often for life. The more invested you are in a relationship, the more you project your sense of self in the relationship, the more dependent upon the relationship, the more apt you are to be seriously hurt. This is where the power of injury not only can shape the life of an individual, but families, children, society and our culture. Preservation through avoidance and abstinence isn’t the answer though. Developing appropriate skills sets, awareness, and knowledge is. If we are to truly change our lives, our personal narratives, our legacy and family trees (through our children), we need to realize and develop our relationships so they are healthy and vibrant.
Developing a culture of failure- you will make mistakes. While you cannot change the past, you can learn from it. You make your mistakes worse by staying blind to your own errors. Learning to fail without becoming a failure is an essential success trait. It's frighteningly easy to choose the wrong person. Attraction and chemistry mixed with familiarity and sentimentality are easily mistaken for love, but they are far from the same thing. A failed relationship will underscore your weakness in a huge number of interpersonal skills. Learn to be able to identify those to then be able to address and develop them. Pair this with your strengths of what you did well and stand out in the relationship. Often they are traits you would not normally have identified as your strong suite.
Winning the client again, and again, and again.
I might be inherently lazy, but there’s just sheer economic sense in investing in quality relationships that you want to maintain for the numerous benefits that are inherent in a committed relationship. I simply have no illusion that I want to find a fantastic gal and then replace her immediately with someone else the next day… I don’t operate naturally that way, and nor do I think most guys do. The alternative is you’ve got to kill for your dinner each night. That gets old really quick, and it’s highly improbable. While ruthless economic efficiency and efficacy rules here it’s still a solid reason none the less… The real reality is that I firmly believe that guys don’t have a commitment problem… We have a commitment problem when we feel we’re committing to anything less than what we really want… Learn to develop the knowledge, skills and mindset to go after what you really want, rather than a pacifier.
Highs and low of your life have little to do with fucking…
Each of us invariably will have moments in our lives that will define a time in which we will be at an extreme high or low and several experiences near those. At times like those I doubt anyone truly wants to be standing on their own. These will be deeply troubling, soul searching moments and moment of extreme personal achievement at the end of the road less taken by. The notion that last night’s one night stand, no matter how amazing the fucking will play anything but a marginal role in those events to you is absurd. The true meaning of loneliness won’t be realized until you are at one of those points and utterly alone to contemplate, to endure in alone… Don’t be so foolishly cocksure that you ultimately regret it…
FILTERING, BOUNDARY SETTING and BRAND RECOGNITION
Filtering-listen for people’s screaming narrative. People tend to tell you the truth in who they are… Learn to listen and act accordingly.
People’s actions speak louder than their words… If a chick tells you she’s a crazy, drama queen, believe her. The odds that she’ll disappoint you in that regard is pretty much non-existent.
In business the profits are made at the ‘buy’ not the ‘sell’… When you invest your time, resources and energy in people you do so of where their character, values, morals etc, are at, not their potential… People with poor ‘fundamentals’ are not going to be assets in your or their lives…
Avoid taking the wrong train in the first place… every stop will be the wrong one… Ignoring the above advice and your odd of happiness and fulfillment are rapidly diminished. People seldom change on their own accord, until it completely doesn’t work… that makes for a pretty shitty ride to get to that point.
Don’t give women a free pass. Make them prove their worth before you invest emotional resources. When you don’t you’re not recognizing you own value in return.
Filtering for personality traits and skill sets- don’t just screen out… look for those elements you VALUE. Seek those elements out. Learn to investigate for those.
Remove her ‘Looks’ & ‘Sex’ from the table- When dealing with any woman, try (key emphasis is on try) to remove that fact that she’s cute and the possibility how amazing it will be having sex with this woman, when you evaluate what she brings to the table… Sadly, what you’ll often find is that, those are the only two qualities she’s really developed. If that’s the case, do yourself a favor and cut her loose or honestly filter for positive traits THAT SHE HAS (this doesn’t mean justifying) that she isn’t used to showcasing. Learn to bring those out and you’ll be surprise at the rapport and connection you’ll develop. Every woman is the heroine of her own story… just make sure it will be true for you… Sadly a woman’s looks and sex have a shelf life… Learn to look for more.
Boundary Setting- defining yourself through values and respecting those values through action. They are the agreements (negotiation) that we set for ourselves and others. Boundary setting is a form of negotiation, the foundation of which is respect.
Self awareness- What is the boundary/behavior? You need to know before you can set them. This means you’re going to have to get to know your needs and yourself better than you initially realized.
Setting your boundaries – What do you need or expect and learn to clearly communicate those.
Defend your boundaries- What action will you take if your boundaries are violated? Understand just because you have a boundary, not everyone will recognize it, or respect it.
People will try to re-negotiate after new boundaries have been established. Just because you’re negotiated boundaries people won’t come back and try to re-frame.
Boundary Setting is a skill set- As such you need to practice them as they are perishable without continued use.
Display a low tolerance for unattractive behaviors… Learn to take up emotional space.
Brand Recognition- What are you communicating, through your appearance, behavior, demeanor, methods of communication, natures of communication etc? Make no mistake, in the sexual market place, you are both a commodity and a service provider. As such you have a brand and it tells everyone something about you, your service and what they can expect from you. Do you know what that is, and is that ‘brand’ in line with where you want to be?
Nothing say ‘special’ better than Walmart… and women know it. While the sexual wholesalers put up amazing numbers they are sub-communicating a lack of connection and availability among many other traits. A strict ‘use and dispose of’ mentality reigns here. While that may be fun on occasion, it’s not a long term investment strategy for people who value themselves, and most women tend to. If you’re looking for a relationship operating at this level you are likely to get its customer base… people who can’t or won’t afford themselves different.
A Man without standards vs a Woman of worth- her needs and desires are subservient to her standards. A man’s are not and tend to be the other way around. Most of pick up relies on amping up her needs and desires above her standards and predetermines that you fall somewhere below that level, effectively trying to hit above your weight class. I think that’s insidious! A man of worth has standards and his behaviors and actions reflect those. A woman of worth is geared to screening for those. Learn and discover that not only are you a unique being, but also a noble creature on your own right…and then act accordingly. Too often guys start out with a measure of standards and willfully lower them… Learn to maintain them, even if it does mean going home alone. Learn to pass on what’s available short term, for what you deserve.
DISPLAY worth by having standards- It is human nature to value what is earned- having her earn your attention should be your base standard. Don’t give yourself away or sell yourself short. Don’t give women a free pass. In social situations, we DISPLAY sexual worth and standards by qualifying the chick and the other women around us. You do this by limiting your availability and interest to women that have earned your attention. You lose this by chasing after her and rewarding her when she hasn’t earned it. If you want to be valued, make sure she earns your attention through mutual respect- that should be a base standard, as the nature of relationships are negotiated as early as this stage.
Quality is never achieved by dropping standards…
CRITICAL CONFRONTATIONS Tools for resolving broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior.
Learn that some conflict is healthy. It indicates a required communication point. Failing to do so is an indication of a lack of self respect, undermines the relationship and does not reflect respect with the women you’re involved with, as it indicates she is unable to navigate mutually with you through this.
Stop keeping the peace at your expense…
Event Horizon: the events that leads to a loss of trust and affects the core of the relationship.
1st Time-it’s just an event, a onetime occurrence.
2nd Time- has now become a pattern.
3rd Time- it’s now case law for your relationship
These events will occur spontaneously and in situations in which will be awkward and socially inappropriate to engage in fully. It ultimately will be a huge mistake not to take this up. It will be a judgment call as to when based upon the nature and maturity of your relationship. Keep in mind that too often much is lost in the delay.
Hazardous Half Minutes: The first few seconds of the interaction sets the tone for everything that follows. How you say something is vastly more important that what you say. Choose your tone carefully.
People need to feel safe- be respectful and describe the gap in expectations. Ask open ended questions; Why do you think it’s OK to do/act/behave/say etc… that? Is this how you value and respect me/our relationship? How am I suppose to feel/take etc when you do ‘X”?
It’s about the relationship, not the behavior- This is about the relationship, not what just happened. You can get past what happened, but not what this does to the relationship and your boundaries. Make sure they realize that. Work jointly to discover the underlying reasons for the broken promises, violated expectations and bad behavior. Do they have the tools, skills needed to communicate a underlying issue? If not be willing to work together on them. This is about developing healthy relationships, not just changing behavior.
Verify acceptance- After the confrontation check for their commitment to change. You might be surprised at what you’ll hear… and yes, this in itself is a promise that’s meant to be kept.
MAKING THE CUT Knowing when to cut a relationship loose.
Spotting the dead horse-
Lack of consideration and respect… There is no relationship without those two.
Exchange value is less than the contribution… It usually gets worse with time…
No desire to change/buy in… When she isn’t willing to mature and grow with the relationship.
When your values and goals do not align. Sadly people change. Often it’s healthy but you’re going in different directions and they’re not compatible.
When the relationship is more struggle, frustration and disappointment than connection and joy… We’ve all been there. Too often energy spent trying to salvage a sinking relationship would be better spent on another one.
Putting it to rest- You have to give yourself permission to live your life…
Aversion to sunk costs- accept that what you see is what you’ll get
Basic methodology: maintain your integrity and maturity by letting them know… don’t just act out.
Not doing so is cowardly. Nobody likes this. Learn to do this efficiently while maintaining mutual consideration and respect. Think of it as the dismount in the Olympics… you can fuck it all up at the ending.
Shot to the head- ‘We’re done’ otherwise known as ‘Next!’ This doesn’t mean you should be harsh, but it does mean being practical. Be clear, be honest and leave no misunderstandings ‘I love you, I care for you, I will cherish our memories together, but this isn’t working for a number of reasons, and it won’t be healthy for either of us to be involved with each other. As much as I would like, I cannot see you anymore. This has to be our goodbye.’ Get an acknowledgement from her, THEN LEAVE! …and don’t reinitiate contact… that’s just not fair…
The Exit Interview- Preserving mutual respect in a failed relationship. Maturity level and mutual respect is essential here as is a high degree of mutual communication abilities. Having an open and frank discussion about the resolution of the relationship can in fact heal many festering wounds and preserve the value of a healthy relationship, but it has to be honest and open. You genuinely have to be able to separate your relationship and the friendship to let go of one and reinforce and transition to the other.
LETTING GO- When you get your ass handed to you…
Don’t hold onto anything longer than it lasts… Experience the learning and move on…
Accept reality- she’s gone…
Resistance is the hallmark of suffering. Suffering that you just don’t want nor need.
Pain is not circumscribable: you have to go through it to get beyond it. Learn to embrace the hurt, pain, sorrow, loss etc… as part of a process. It doesn’t make you weak, only human. We often create power behind what we resist. Lesson that force through embracing it and making room for it. Know that this won’t be easy. It never is. They’re all complicated and fraught with ill feelings. Don’t let those feelings poison your soul or spirit.
Your darkest hour-is only 60 minutes long… your darkest moment is just that, a moment. Keep things in an honest perspective.
Letting go is about YOU, not your Ex.
You won’t move on until you’ve accepted the relationship is over…
Chances are you’re longing for what could have been, not what was…
Chances are you’re projecting too much of yourself and your identity into the relationship. You are not a relationship.
She-Tox-break contact- bad ending ruin great movies… neediness is modis operandi here. Give her room… an ocean of it.
Acknowledge your expectations, disappointment etc…
Accept your responsibility and learn from it
Give permission to let go…
Provide forgiveness… first to yourself… in time you’ll forgive her too as you won’t see yourself reflected in the relationship.
Consolidate and re-construct your life. Understanding the nature of a failed one, which often highlights a lack of skill or awareness of underlying issues, can become a keystone in personal development and a source for emotional and psychological healing. By actively working on those aspects you are advancing your personal worth and value intrinsically and self confidence naturally will spring from this. It is your gift to the world and what you bring to the table; the fact that you’re a better man today, than the one you were yesterday.
Chasing the Cheetah- Getting the Ex back…
Question: How do you catch a Cheetah? (probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever been given)
Answer: Get the Cheetah to catch you!
Before you can do that you have to ask yourself some harsh questions as they pertain to establishing healthy relationships;
Who fucked up?
If it wasn’t you, stop being a bitch, develop some self respect and develop some healthy priorities/standards. Don’t enable bad behavior. If she screwed up she needs to be making amends not you!
How bad? Is respect and trust recoverable/likely? If not, keep walking…
Where did this lie on the Event Horizon- where on the event horizon did the death keel occur? The earlier on the easier it is to recover from.
Learn the art of a real apology;
Recognize what was done, and the damage it exacted to her and the relationship.
Be accountable WITHOUT excuses.
Communicate your desire to change with explicit examples of how you’re going to do that and commitment to those changes.
Profess your remorse honestly and sincerely.
DO NOT add riders to this… There should be NO elements contingent upon an apology. An apology is an apology not a negotiating tactic.
Assuming that there’s room for a healthy relationship with mutual respect and trust you’re going to have your work cut out for you;
Showcasing change- You are going to have to showcase how you’ve changed and what you are doing to develop yourself so errors are not repeated.
Avoid neediness- it’s just not attractive & she’s already sick of you… Don’t reinforce a losing proposition.
Re-establish Trust & Respect- Establish this by giving her time, space, keeping your promises, fulfilling expectations etc… This VERY well may mean completely accepting that she has every right to see other people and move on beyond the two of you. Any claim the two of you had on each other is over. Respect that.
Avoid Dwelling on the past-you both know how that ends. Don’t dwell on it, you can’t go forward when all you share is hurt. Acknowledge it then move on. If real damage is done aide in the healing process but don’t enable self pity and don’t become a whipping post.
Conscious Living-living the life women want to be a part of. This DOES NOT mean running jealously plot lines! Those are DETRIMENTAL to any relationship you value. Keep in mind she found you and your life attractive once before… develop upon that and go beyond it… You’re a better you now because of her, the relationship and what you’ve learned from it. This may mean LIVING your life honestly without her… Don’t just be willing to do so, DO SO!
A New Future- maintaining connection and future projection. You need to be able to maintain an emotional connection with your Ex and project a future of what life would and could be like together… without this portion you only have your history together. Resurrection and redemption are powerful human narratives… tap into that with just the right mix of nostalgia and you have a powerful cocktail. You are striving how a better you, and a better her, can together have a better life, future and relationship than before. Don’t aim for more of the same thing… You already know what you’ll get. You’ve already been there.